I don’t know if it’s the fact that January is over and we’re starting to unwind from months of chaos, or if it’s because the weather sucks and we haven’t been outside in what feels like ages (unless you count running like a mad woman, with two children in your arms to the van in between hamster-sized raindrops, being outside, then we’ve been out there TONS) but I’m restless.
Nothing feels like exactly what I want to be doing. I keep thinking we should go away for the weekend, but when it comes to planning it, I get frustrated and it doesn’t happen. I want to head back to the heart of the province (the OK if you didn’t know it) but the weather sucks and I don’t like traveling on snow covered roads, so I have to wait more – a fact that is particularly difficult for a career impatient person. I feel like I want to get out to do something but I go to do it and either something comes up and it doesn’t happen, or somebody gets sick or I just don’t end up wanting to do it.
I have moments of fun, but then they’re done and I’m back to where I began – frustrated, annoyed and restless.
I guess, maybe it’s what some call cabin fever, maybe it’s just grumpy Mommy syndrome, I’m not sure. But whatever it is, it’s driving me NUTS!
Don’t get me wrong, life is good around here. I love my husband, I love my children and the last time I checked they think I’m pretty ok too. We have our good days and our challenging ones, we’re warm and dry, there is food in our tummies and work to be done, God is as always faithful and gracious, and good. There’s nothing actually wrong, at least not with anyone else, I feel like it’s just me.
I sit down to blog and nothing I want to say comes out. As usual, there’s a lot in there, it’s just like it’s stuck behind a filter, or a big pile of laundry, I can’t tell. And the more I try, the less there is and the more I feel the pressure, the unrest, the frustration!
Each weekend creeps up and I want to plan something (because let’s face it, my planner and my calendar are my survival tools and plans make me happy! ) but I can’t think of anything. I want it to be awesome for Corey and the kids, and while we have a good time, I’m still left feeling blah. Then I think, I should just go all spontaneous and let it flow….
That lasts for about 1 day and I’m back to feeling annoyed – life is easier with a plan!
I know, just like everything else, this too will pass, but what I want to know is when? When am I going to feel back to normal? When will plans ever just fall into place? When will life be roses and people stop bugging me about the fact that my 4 year old wears a Toronto Maple Leafs shirt (You DO NOT want to talk to me about the Canucks, it’s not exactly pleasant)? When? When? WHEN?!
My guess is, you probably don’t know “when” any more than I do, so don’t feel too pressured to answer that. It was hypothetical, sort of. I think. I know that usually in moments of unrest the Holy Spirit is calling me for something, I’m trying to listen but the baby monitor’s not working, I can’t get a line on Him with MSN and so far I don’t think Facebook has reached heaven. That leaves time spent in my bible, prayer, frustration and good ol’ fashioned listening. I won’t say it’s going poorly but lets just say it’s not always going well…
This too shall pass, and when it does I’ll look back and reflect in that wise and knowledgable way one does once a situation or time has passed – they say hind sight is 20/20. But for now, I’ll content myself with doing my best each day to be satisfied with what I have. I’ll count my blessings, kiss my kids, search out my Father’s will and love my husband. And maybe somewhere in there, peace will once again be restored to my soul and this restlessness will vanish – a girl can hope anyway!
How about you? How are you feeling today?