Men, it’s time to drop the Axe and other dating tips

Alright Men (and boys of the teenage variety) today, I’m talkin’ to you.  The information I’m going to share with you is valuable, it’s intense and it’s profound.  It will change your dating life forever and subsequently you will all want to marry me.  This unfortunately cannot happen, I have a husband (who’s both sexy and wonderful) and I’m totally off limits.  Besides, the desire to marry will stem only from the influx in your dating relationships and the euphoria that brings, not from an actual attraction.  While I know it will be tough, please, refrain yourselves.

Let’s get started.

Everybody knows that women are difficult creatures (sidenote: I have the authority to say this because I sport lady parts, if you don’t, this is not a topic you should cover.  Trust me on this, leave it alone.).  We are moody, temperamental, emotional and sometimes, even when it’s not “that time of the month” we can be down right crazy.  We’re also sensitive, kind, gentle, nurturing, smart, strong and capable of more than one ever could imagine (hello, Childbirth!).  We know what we like, and what we don’t.  We are a man’s biggest dream and his worst nightmare all bundled up in a pretty piece of lingerie (that is seriously itchy!) and most of you spend the first part of your lives trying to snag one of us.  Then you will spend the rest of it trying to figure us out.

It’s not an easy job, heck it may even be impossible.  But have hope!  I have a few tips that will help you not only attract a female but get to have her and then keep her happy (and you sleeping on a soft bed as opposed to the couch) for the rest of your life.   While you may think you know everything there is to know about women, trust me when I say you don’t, and this – what I have to say, is for you.  Ever single one of you.

Tip #1 – Drop the Axe and get a signature scent – That’s right, step away from the Brute, the over powering dollar store knock off cologne and the Axe (seriously, no Axe…of any kind), while it may smell “good” to  you for a moment or two it dies.  It’s kind of like Febreeze for the body, it only masks the nasty smell of your feet and BO it doesn’t fix anything and after a few minutes it smells more like a science experiment that went horribly wrong, than it does turn a girl on. 

Our sense of smell is directly connected to our emotions.  We associate smells to moments, experiences and people.  Women are emotional, we’ve covered that, and our sense of smell is no different.  If he smells good, it’s really REALLY good and if he doesn’t, he’ll be easily forgotten.  (True love may over look that fact, but it will be seriously enhanced if you chose to follow this suggestion)  It makes our noses tingle and our memories wander back to that time, at the theatre when your shoulder brushed ours and your cologne was so intoxicating and what was that guy on the movie doing?  Something with a car and a freight train?….

Do yourself a favour, find a great scent ask a sales clerk if you’re unsure, then stick with it.  It will quickly become your signature and no matter where she goes, when she smells that smell, the one that is totally You, you’ll be in her thoughts.  I promise.

Tip #2 – You don’t have to waste money on Flowers – but you do have to bring them.  Every girl loves to receive flowers, they are pretty and mean you thought about her and will last for days, even after the smell of your cologne has faded.  But you don’t need to break the bank or go without food to do it.

The first flowers Corey brought me he’d picked from his Grandma’s extrodonairy garden.  They were beautiful, and of all the dozens and dozens of flowers I’ve received over the past 6 years they still top my list.  Because he put thought and effort into them.  Likewise, my Dad picked a bouquet of daisies when he and my Mom were dating and put a red rose in the middle with a card that read “You are my rose amongst a bunch of daisies”.  Classic and beautiful and timeless – trust me, they mattered a LOT to her.  It’s about effort not price tag.

*note: Do NOT buy the cheap flowers that are half dead.  It will make her feel like you only find her worth second best.  A stunning single Gerber Daisy is more impactful than a dozen wilting roses, trust me.

Tip #3 – Remember how she likes her tea/coffee – Whatever her poisin, whether it’s Starbucks or Tim Horton’s, coffee, tea or a Caramel something or other – remember what it is.  Remember that she likes a skinny, non-fat Peppermint latte with no whip, and then the next time you’re together order it for her.  Or better yet surprise her with one.

Remembering the little things, how she likes her coffee, that she can’t stand raisins in her muffins or that she likes to get gas at Chevron because the little cars on the commercial are cute – make her feel like she matters.  You’re on her mind, I promise so make sure she feels like she’s on yours

Tip #4 – Be picky – Let’s face it, there are desperate girls out there.  Ones who think love comes after they take their shirt off, ones who’ll do anything and everything you say because she wants you to like her, ones who compromise everything they have just to get your attention.

Walk away from them.  Your real love won’t have to sacrifice who she is to make you happy, likewise you won’t have to sacrifice you for her.  You’ll both have to make compromises, that’s life, but if the core of who you are isn’t good enough.  Then neither is she.  Stand up for you, what you believe in and pretty soon you’ll find she’s waiting right there…amidst the other debris.

Tip #5 – USE YOUR MANNERS – “Please”, “Thank You”, Opening the car door, helping a senior with his walker or letting the lady with 2 kids a head of you in line – the manners that should be a part of your inner being need to come through.  It’s not only part of being a good person, but it will impress her.

Seeing you help a little girl pick up the papers she dropped or laughing with an old fellow in the line at the grocery store will melt her heart.  She’ll love you for it. (but only if it’s sincerely you…)

Tip #6 – Be Real – Sincerity matters, if the things you do aren’t really you (except the cologne, fake that if you have to but NO AXE) she’ll find out.  Be authentic, if you’re goofy be goofy, if you’re serious be serious, if you totally love watching Sex and the City with a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s, let her see that because in the long run – you are who she wants.  And so it’s you she needs to meet the real you.  Don’t let her find out that who she married isn’t who she thought, because an act will eventually wear off

Tip #7 – Protect her – I’m not suggesting you beat up the waiter who just gave her the eye.  In fact, I’m suggesting you don’t.  But I am saying make her feel safe.  When you walk into a room, hold her hand, if a movie scares her cover her eyes (do not laugh, you will have sore body parts afterwards if you laugh), when she cries hold her and when she’s happy laugh too.

We all want to feel small, we all want to feel cherished and while we are all strong and independent women, there’s something to be said for a man, making you feel like a soft woman.  Give her that sometimes, just don’t baby her in the process.

Tip #8 – Don’t try to figure her out, it won’t work – Seriously, I am a female.  I’ve been one since conception, I also have two of them I’m raising and I’ve come to a conclusion.  Women, just like men are complex puzzles that are better left in tact rather than taken apart.  You won’t figure her out, just figure out what works for the two of you.

Tip #9 – NEVER blame anything on her Period – We’re emotional to begin with and we know that our periods come with an influx of tears, anger and other mixed emotions.  We don’t however like to be reminded of it.  We also can’t handle hearing a man, who’s never had to suffer a cramp or avoid going swimming, blame ANY situation on our periods.  It won’t help, it won’t make her feel you’re being empathetic, it will be bad.  You’ll make her feel invalidated and ultimately you will learn what the couch looks like at 3am, while she vacuums around you just so you know how NOT emotional she is.

Tip #10 – Learn to say “I’m Sorry” – News flash – you’re going to screw up.  In fact, you’re going to make an ass out of yourself once or a hundred times over the course of your life.  Whether it’s being wrong about the type of vehicle her friend drives (She says Dodge Power Wagon, you in all your manly wisdom say it can’t be…then 4 hours later find out you were wrong and she was *choke* right) or not remembering her birthday, say you’re sorry.  Show her you’re willing to admit your mistakes and move on.

I’m sorry may not fix everything but it opens the door to forgiveness, and it soothes the places that are hurt.  Likewise, she will need to apologize to you, but don’t demand it.  Don’t throw her mistakes in her face, and when the apology does come – be gracious.  That’s how relationships work, for real.

Catching the right girl isn’t easy.  In fact, it’s down right difficult, but God knows who’s meant for you, you just have to find her.  And when you do, you have to do everything in your power to keep her.  To love her, and honor her, cherish her and respect her, to be her prince and her hero, and the guy who drives to McDonald’s at 9 at night for her fries and Coke she’s been craving all day.  Be to her everything you want her to be for you and then about a thousand times more and you’ll find that dating is old school – marriage and a life together is where it’s at.

And for the love of hockey sticks and baseball gloves – put down the AXE!