A little while back I posted about my exercise habits. About how I love and hate Jillian Michaels, about how sick, injured or exhausted I haul my butt out of bed each morning to sweat all over the floor, about how important I believe exercise is to both a thin/sexy body and a healthy one, about the example I want to set for our daughters.
I have photos of the progression my body has taken over the past 3 years. I took them for me, I took them for perspective, I took them and I saved them.
Sometimes I struggle with feeling like I look any different from I did the day after I gave birth to Audrey. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am drastically different in many ways, I’m healthier, I weigh less, my habits are better, but sometimes I still see the same girl. My self-esteem sucks in the area of my appearance and it’s a daily, hourly battle. Honestly.
Corey and I were talking about it the other day, and I said something that was supposed to be a joke, but actually came out as truth. “My weight, and the way I look is my Kryptonite or the fear of being judged for it is”. I worry about all sorts of things that are unreasonable. I know Corey loves me and he thinks my body rocks but I worry that I’ll embarrass him in front of his friends, that they’ll feel sorry for him. I’m ok with the person I put out there but I’m afraid that people will look at my body and judge it long before they see who lives in it. I’m afraid that if I ever find the day that I’m “happy” with my appearance I will cross the line into conceited and that would go against everything I believe in. The list could go on and on and on (and sometimes it does) but I have to fight it.
So, sometimes I look back at those pictures I took. To put things into perspective, to remind myself how much my hard work has paid off, to see where I’ve been. Those pictures are mine and they’re private, and I’ve kept them to myself. Until now.
Someone asked to see them the other day when I was talking exercise and at first I thought “Fat Chance!” Then I got thinking…maybe I should post them. Maybe it will be freeing, maybe it won’t. Maybe it will encourage someone else, maybe it won’t. Maybe I need to acknowledge where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going so I can let it go.
So I will. I might regret it, I might want to take it back, but then if I really do I’m the boss of this blog and I can delete it. But for now, here’s where I’ve been…
February 2009 – One month after Audrey was born (notice who little B was!)
February 2010 – Changing my eating habits slightly
February 2011 – Eating habits adjusted and exercise started for 2 months
October 2011 – 6 days a week workouts, and healthy eating
It’s hard to post those. To let you see how unfit I was, to look back at them myself. But it’s also good to see where I’ve landed. The last photo was 2 months ago and there have been some small changes since then, not much but some.
I need to find the place where I’m happy with me. I’m not really trying to lose more weight any more, I’m trying to maintain it, I’m trying to be healthy, I’m trying to find happy. I may not have it all yet today, but I’ll keep trying and one day it’ll come.