Breathing, even when I can’t

Breathing feels hard right now.  Every morning I wake up and feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest.  A solid workout and shower do nothing to alleviate the pressure, nor does a snuggle from my girls or a trip to Starbucks.  Bedtime rolls around and still the pressure is there, I crawl in, close my eyes and pray that tomorrow will bring relief.  That tomorrow I’ll find peace.

This journey with our Audrey is hard, for all of us.

Of course Audrey is feeling it, while most days she’s happy and silly, every bit my little girl, she’s also struggling with eating as well as she used to, so pale (some days are worse than others) and waking in the night wailing.  She’s been through so many tests and seen so many doctors, and only we know that the future will hold more.  She deserves better than this, she deserves to be healthy, to feel amazing and to sleep, easily every night.  She deserves to be able to go to the swimming pool or out for tea with Mommy without worrying about germs, or washing our hands 85 times.   She deserves a life without doctors and hospitals, one full of playtimes and Daddy dates.

Bethany carries it too, she worries about her sister, she doesn’t say it much but you can see it in her eyes and hear it in her bedtime prayers.  She wants my attention, something I struggle to divide sometimes, she deserves that, time from me.  She’s being strong, God made her that way but sometimes being strong is hard, especially when you’re 4.  She deserves a Christmas without restrictions, and this year I can’t give it to her.

It’s hard to be Corey too.  He works hard all day, long hours at a job that he loves and then comes home to his girls.  He does his best to hold us all up and help with what he can, but it’s not easy either when all you’d really like to do is go to sleep.  He worries about our girlies too but he doesn’t always understand.  There’s so much to handle and sometimes, all the medical terms and worries feel like too much.  I wish I could make it easier on him, he deserves that but I can’t.

And I know this isn’t about me, it’s about my family, my husband and our girls, but some days it’s hard for me too.  My heart shatters looking at my Audrey.  Every. Single. piece of my being knows something is going on and I can’t tell you what it is.  I try to notice everything that’s different, I try not to read into things while on the other hand I try not to ignore what could be important.  I try to avoid germs and protect her from hurts.  I want to fix her and I can’t.  I want to take away Bethany’s worries, and try as I might, I can’t.  I want to soothe Corey’s mind, but I don’t know how.  I want to turn the clock, in whichever direction will make all of this over and gone, but time seems to have its own agenda.

I want to trust in a God who I know is all mighty and in control, to let Him carry this burden, but I can’t.  I don’t know how, and some days I feel like all I can do is just keep trying to breathe, and to just keep going.

7 thoughts on “Breathing, even when I can’t

  1. oh Mama, my heart breaks to hear you are going through this with your baby girl – and for your whole family to bear the burden. Continued prayers for rest, peace, answers, and healing.

  2. Such a heavy heart, such a burden, such a hard time, Ashley. We continue to pray for your sweet girl and your whole family. For peace, for answers, for healing.
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  3. You are one amazing lady! Don’t listen to little voices in your head that tell you otherwise! We all hear your heart’s cry; a mother’s heart aching for her child and her family! God hears you too; even when you feel you don’t have the strength to even pray yourself. That’s what all the rest of us are here for! To hold you all up; when you’re beyond yourselves! We give precious little Audrey to our God, who, believe it or not, loves her even more than you do! (I know; I find that such an amazing thought, because as a mom and grandma, I know how much I love my kids and babies and it’s hard to believe anyone could love them more!). Lord Jesus, we pray a complete and total miracle over little Audrey’s body right now. We pray healing; right to the marrow of her bones, blood cells and all the intricacies of her little body. God, you knit her together and know everything about her, and so we pray that you will do what you do best! Love that little girl and bring about her complete recovery! Thank you Jesus!

  4. Diddo to Joanne’s comment, she just said it all, and prayed it like it is. Thank you Joanne… As a grandma and Mom, I can so relate to your heart ache Ashley. I just want you to know that, from me, you are the most amazing Mom, wife & daughter-in-law. We are always in prayer for our little Audrey and you all. God bless and keep you all protected and may the blood of Jesus be over Audrey. Love you all so much, Mom/grandma Kimmie

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