Breathing feels hard right now. Every morning I wake up and feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. A solid workout and shower do nothing to alleviate the pressure, nor does a snuggle from my girls or a trip to Starbucks. Bedtime rolls around and still the pressure is there, I crawl in, close my eyes and pray that tomorrow will bring relief. That tomorrow I’ll find peace.
This journey with our Audrey is hard, for all of us.
Of course Audrey is feeling it, while most days she’s happy and silly, every bit my little girl, she’s also struggling with eating as well as she used to, so pale (some days are worse than others) and waking in the night wailing. She’s been through so many tests and seen so many doctors, and only we know that the future will hold more. She deserves better than this, she deserves to be healthy, to feel amazing and to sleep, easily every night. She deserves to be able to go to the swimming pool or out for tea with Mommy without worrying about germs, or washing our hands 85 times. She deserves a life without doctors and hospitals, one full of playtimes and Daddy dates.
Bethany carries it too, she worries about her sister, she doesn’t say it much but you can see it in her eyes and hear it in her bedtime prayers. She wants my attention, something I struggle to divide sometimes, she deserves that, time from me. She’s being strong, God made her that way but sometimes being strong is hard, especially when you’re 4. She deserves a Christmas without restrictions, and this year I can’t give it to her.
It’s hard to be Corey too. He works hard all day, long hours at a job that he loves and then comes home to his girls. He does his best to hold us all up and help with what he can, but it’s not easy either when all you’d really like to do is go to sleep. He worries about our girlies too but he doesn’t always understand. There’s so much to handle and sometimes, all the medical terms and worries feel like too much. I wish I could make it easier on him, he deserves that but I can’t.
And I know this isn’t about me, it’s about my family, my husband and our girls, but some days it’s hard for me too. My heart shatters looking at my Audrey. Every. Single. piece of my being knows something is going on and I can’t tell you what it is. I try to notice everything that’s different, I try not to read into things while on the other hand I try not to ignore what could be important. I try to avoid germs and protect her from hurts. I want to fix her and I can’t. I want to take away Bethany’s worries, and try as I might, I can’t. I want to soothe Corey’s mind, but I don’t know how. I want to turn the clock, in whichever direction will make all of this over and gone, but time seems to have its own agenda.
I want to trust in a God who I know is all mighty and in control, to let Him carry this burden, but I can’t. I don’t know how, and some days I feel like all I can do is just keep trying to breathe, and to just keep going.