6 sleeps = 2 work/school days + 1 work day + 1 housecleaning Friday + 2 weekend days. 6 days I will workout, because taking a day off this week isn’t an option. 6 days I need to be occupied, I need my brain full, my hands busy and my hours to vanish. 6 days I need to be able to collapse into bed and fall asleep until the alarm rings at 5am. 6 days.
In 6 days we head for Children’s Hospital with Audrey. On January 16th at 1:30pm, we will sit down with a doctor and explain everything. We will start at the beginning and hopefully find the end. In 6 days, Lord willing we will have answers, we will have a game plan and I will have peace.
It was such a blessing getting a date for Audrey’s appointment at Children’s before Christmas. God has really done some seriously awesome business by having my small prayers answered so precisely. From needing Dr.H to refer us without me having to push to getting a date before Christmas so I could know that something was going to be done – He has just really stepped up to prove His faithfulness to me, to us, to her. While I still don’t have peace, and I still am convinced there is something going on, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God, my God is listening and He is answering.
That being said, this past month has felt like eternity. It feels like everything hinges on that Monday. Nothing can really move forward until it’s over and like I won’t be able to take a real breath until we’re there.
It’s been hard. This past couple of days especially. I’ve been really emotional, more moody and tearful than normal and it’s driving ME mental. Which is a good sign that y’all should be sending vast amounts of pity to Corey right now. You know, because husbands are always “that guy” who takes the brunt end of that emotion. Each morning I get up and throw myself into a workout, harder than the last desperate to burn off the tension, the fear, the pressure in my chest.
Watching Audrey most times you’d be hard pressed to know that she’s got something going on. While she’s still incredibly pale most days, she has other days where her coloring is OK. It’s never good, but it’s ok, better than her bad days. She’s full of piss and vinegar, racing around with Bethany and happy. I watch her then and think, “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this’ll just be nothing and it’s no big deal”
Then I find her curled up on the floor or I tuck her in to sleep and she complains of an “owie tummy” again. She has days where even strangers stop me and ask if she’s ok, because she’s that pale or eating is a chore. She has times where she’s so thirsty it’s ridiculous and then pees 3 times an hour all day. She has good days and bad, ups and downs, and at the center of my being I know there is something wrong. I just can’t see it, because it’s on the inside.
And I’m scared. I’m scared of what might be wrong. I’m scared of what tests they’ll have to do to find out what’s wrong. I’m scared for her, that this is going to be hard. I’m scared for Bethany because it’s a rough road being the big sister. I’m scared for us, for me because she’s my baby. And I’m scared that in 6 days, after all this waiting, I still won’t have any answers.
I’ve been on the other side of the “We can’t find anything wrong with you” and the “I can’t explain your pain” moments with doctors. In fact, I’ve had quite a few of them over the years. I’ve had doctors who looked at me like I was crazy (because I’ve had odd and unexplained medical issues on and off my whole life) and other’s who made me feel like it was all in my head. On the other hand, I’ve had doctors understand, I’ve had them fight for me and I’ve had doctors who’ve kept going until they did find an answer and I felt better.
All of those doctors, where through the doors of Children’s/Women’s hospital. Going there feels like a safe zone for me. I trust them, they are the best of the best in this industry and I know that if there is something to find with our little girl, they will find it. But knowing that and feeling that are two dramatically different things.
I just have to make it 6 more days. I just have to believe that in 6 days God’s going to answer another prayer, and that His answer will come clearly. I have to keep busy for 6 more days, till the time is passed. And for 6 more days I will spend every waking moment, begging for an answer.
Just 6 more days.