Worn

by Ashley on February 4, 2014

in Me

Worn

There is a lot going on in life for us right now and sometimes, when the day ends all that’s left of me is Worn.

Bethany is sick again, it’s a cold/flu bug that’s battering the kids in her school, she managed to pick it up because of course she did.  In reality, her little body has scarcely had time to recover from the other bugs she’s had and 2/3rds of Chilliwack seems to be plagued by one thing or another.  I hate seeing our girls suffering and the rapid sound of the thermometer beeps signalling a fever makes me feel physically ill.

Audrey has had ear/throat infections, and now we’re begging God to protect her so that she too doesn’t join Bethany in this bug.  The fear of what could be on the other side of an illness like that is crippling for me.  She’s lost weight again and is showing some other worrisome symptoms and I’m trying to just breath my way through them.

My Mom has been so sick these past 5 weeks that I worry about her too (anyone sensing a theme here?).  I hate that I can’t pour into her all the “nursing” that she gave me as a little girl because I have my own family to care for.  I want to make her better, and I can’t.

Our house is a chaotic mess.  Piles are everywhere, cupboards are disorganized and while baking has been done it’s far from put away nicely.  Laundry is clean, folded and put away, but that’s mostly because Corey helped.  Otherwise those towels would be on wash #35 because I keep forgetting to change it.

Sleep isn’t something I’ve had much of the past few weeks.  Between sick kids, the emotions that are attached to illness for me and some other struggles we’re facing I haven’t slept much.  The lack of sleep in combination with the fact that I apparently look like a walking tissue (Guys I seriously thought by this time in our girls lives I wouldn’t still have snot all over me!)  means that I have my own cold I’m battling.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all OK, we’re fine – I’m fine.  I know none of this is the end of the world, and there are others facing so much worse.  This is just a season, I know that the other emotional things that Corey & I are walking through in our marriage will build us stronger.  I know that Bethany will heal and missing these days of school won’t ruin her for life, she’s not behind by any means.  I also selfishly cherish these moments too – she still wants me to hold her, to snuggle her in and make it “better”.  Those days won’t always be here, I’m soaking them up, deep in my soul.

I know that Audrey will be ok too, that God has walked us through each and every other struggle with these sweet girls and He’s not going to fail us now.  And I know that sometimes, when everything feels hard, when my smiles are laced with watery eyes that I’m in this sweet place to feel Him embracing me.

Sometimes I think God allows us, allows me to come to a place of feeling Worn because it’s there that we meet.  It’s in my struggles that I remember I’m not self sufficient, that I do need Him and that it’s alright to lean in.

This song has been on repeat for me this past week, I know that when the days turn and things are feeling a little more put together I’ll look back and see the “song” that’s risen from these days.  I’ll find Grace in the Small Things each day because they’re there, I just need to look for them.

Tonight though, I’m going to go kiss my babies goodnight and curl up in my husband’s arms, content to be safe and loved in the midst of being so very worn.

 “Worn”

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Jen February 5, 2014 at 8:27 am

Sending you a hug Ashley! I am there with you with cabinets that look like they could audition for the tv show Hoarders, sleep that alludes me despite exhaustion and a wish that I could “make everything better.” This is a song that I recently found that has been an encouragement to me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84LSLk3hfD4
Praying that a deep peace floods your soul today. He is good.

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