Ashley &  I'm terrified to be here

You know what scares me? (Other than Sleeping Beauty…) The PAC, the PAC scares me.

Not our PAC in particular but the whole idea of “The PAC”.  I mean, say it “The PAC” – it totally feels like it should be followed by “DUN, DUN, DUN”.   Every time I hear it, my brain automatically jumps to the image of a pack of hungry wolves and I get all sweaty & stuff.  Any thought I had about attending a function shoots out the window and I quickly begin planning my escape route (eg. the truthful but well timed excuse) (which is often actually legitimate but also extremely convenient).

Now I realize that this is absolutely ridiculous.  I do.  My logical brain can completely understand and comprehend that this is down right absurd.  However, the other part of my brain, the one where my super insecure self lives, knows nothing of logic.   It’s where my self-conscious voice takes root, where the whispers of my faults & failings come from and it’s often the one that grows the loudest.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately working on my fears.  Really, and sincerely trying to face head on the things I’m afraid of in hopes of one day achieving self confidence, actually achieving confidence in anything at all would be nice.  In the midst of all of those things resides The PAC or rather The PAC meetings.

My rational self sees the good of The PAC (seriously guys, DUN, DUN, DUN) the things they do at the school, in particular the things The PAC board members do at our school are amazing.  They organize events, work on hot lunch, spend time there before and after school.  And while yes, they’re supporting their kids they are also supporting everyone else’s kids – my kids.

I am thankful for those things, for those hours, for that heart.  I have on occasion even interacted with one of them, in person or online and they’ve been pleasant, sweet and helpful.  Apart, they all seem like stand up women and I take my hat off to them.

So what’s my problem?

My problem is the idea of them all together.  Some how it takes me back to my high school days, and the “In-Crowd” mentality.  Just thinking about it I quickly start slipping back into my old self.  The one who hid behind books, had 42 pens, 6 different post-it notes and was completely incapable of making eye contact.  I hear whispers of “What if they don’t like me?”, “What if I sound stupid?”, “I don’t have anything of value to add” and ultimately “I’m not important enough to go – I don’t belong”.

That entire scene plays out in my living room as I read the monthly newsletter & see The PAC meeting on the calendar.

On paper screen it looks absolutely ridiculous – and yet it’s true.  It is how I feel and I am going to learn to make a change.

The school year is almost out but I am seriously going to work on these issues over the summer.  I’m not exactly sure how I plan to do that yet, but I’m going to try.  I need to get over my fear of The PAC and get involved there.  Those meetings contain important information, those people are of great value and I need to be up to date on what’s happening too.  I may even try to get involved in hot lunch, so that a day can come where Audrey will be safe to receive hot lunch too.

Am I alone in this?  Anyone else have issues with the idea of The PAC or other social group settings?  Any tips or advice for this nervous ninny?  I’ll take whatever you’ve got to offer – leave a comment (or if they’re not working because there is a glitch I can’t seem to fix!), then comment on the Facebook status (HERE) sharing this post.  I need you, and ALL you have to say & share!