The Sum of My Fears

Fear +

On a daily basis I battle with fear.  Fear that something will happen to my family.  Fear that I will hurt someone’s feelings.  Fear that I will say wrong, do wrong, be wrong.  Fear that I will take my last breath and the people who matter the most won’t know that they mattered the most.

It’s a battle I’ve fought for as long as I can remember.  As a child I was afraid that something would happen to my parents.  Or that I’d be less than the “perfect” I thought everyone expected me to be (in reality that expectation was & often is mine, not anyone else’s) and in turn become a failure.  

No matter what the present fear may be, it all boils back to one root fear – that what is my normal, my routine, my safe will be shaken and I will be forced to face change.

As an adult, with perspective I can look at those past fears and even my present ones and recognize where they come from.  Every last one of them, even my root fear hinge on the fact that I like to have control and any or all of those things happening would mean I lose control.  And if you know me, even a little then you know that I hate to lose control.

The last few days have seen my fear levels rising.  Things are happening in our lives right now (which aren’t things I can share here, at least not right now) that are causing my tummy to turn, my brain to spin and my nights to be filled with fitful, interrupted sleep.

My thoughts are going 100 miles a minute running through the “what ifs” of how I’ll handle what may be to come, trying to get a grip on what could potentially capsize my boat of “normal & routine”.  It’s my way of trying to cope with my fear but let’s be honest…

it doesn’t work.

“What if” never works.  I know that. I can even rationally tell my children that but when it comes time to applying it to my own life, I get sucked in to its vortex just like the next gal.

In truth, 90% of what we worry about never even happens & even when it does we rarely, if ever draw on our “what if” scenarios.  Instead we dig our heels into the moment and focus on adjusting, adapting and coping with what is in front of us.

So, then why do allow the “what ifs” & fear in?

I don’t really know but I think it has something to do with where I let my eyes focus.

When I choose to focus on the hard things, the scary things, the flat out bad things that may lay ahead I miss all the good things, the beautiful things, the incredible blessings that God has placed right here, in my present.

It’s much the same as embarking on a long hike for the first time, alone.  Looking up at the top of the mountain alone from the parking lot, the end result feels daunting & even unattainable.  The reasons why it’s “too hard” flood out the reasons that brought us there in the first place and we may be tempted to get back in the car and leave. 

If we take a friend (or 6) with us though, the experience is completely different.  Instead of focusing our eyes on the top of the mountain, we’re laughing in the moment.  Stories of kids crazy antics, trips to the dentist (we’re cool that way), husband blunders and life fill the air, and motivate your steps.  Pretty soon you’re halfway up the trail and right about that time you feel like you can’t take another step, someone turns back and grabs your hand.  

Sometimes it’s figuratively, in the form of words of encouragement, other times physically helping you over that last hump.  Either way you’re not alone and before you know it, you’re at the top – feeling satisfied, accomplished and victorious.

That’s something like how life works too.  When I choose to try to work through all these fears and stresses alone, I feel like I’m drowning.  My chest actually hurts and I struggle to breath – fear takes over and then, it wins.

Then I realize I’m not on this journey alone.  The God of the universe, the one who put the stars in the sky & the planets into motion is right here, walking beside me.  When I choose to talk to Him, to focus on His continued faithfulness and to listen for His quiet whispers, my fear doesn’t seem so big.

I wish I could say I’ve mastered trusting God in all things.  I have not.  I still struggle every single moment daily with my need for control but I’m trying.

Going into this holiday season I’m going to change my focus.  I’m going to do my best to relish in what Christmas is REALLY all about – the birth of a baby who’d one day die to save my faulted & dirtied soul.  I’m going to try hard to not only sing about the peace that His birth brought but rest in it as well.

Because I know, no matter what our future holds, God truly is greater than the sum of all my fears.