He likes Big Butts and He Should have Lied…

Corey and Ashley Sept 2005This is us, with in a day or two of the story below.

We’d been together about 2 months, when Corey looked at me with love in his eyes, sighed and said “This song reminds me of you…”  his face full of dopey, dreamy new love.

 I couldn’t see my face at that moment, but I could feel it and based on the fire beginning to burn inside of me I’m going to hazard a guess in saying it wasn’t exactly pretty.

Before you start thinking I’m a calloused, cold hearted woman who didn’t appreciate the fact that her fiance was being so romantic, let’s just discuss the song that reminded Corey of me…

Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” (the link takes you to the video.  I really don’t want it embedded here)

Now, let’s just talk about the lyrics to that song:

“They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, ‘kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big.
I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like, out there, I mean— gross. Look!
She’s just so… black!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so…”

Let’s just stop right there.  This IS a family site after all.

I stood there in disbelief, my brain spinning a mile a minute, as the song played and the lyrics painted a picture in my head of what I looked like to my future husband – 

a prostitute who has to stuff her “round thing” into her jeans, that all his friends warned him about.  Oh and did I forget to mention her BUTT IS BIG?! 

Horrified doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling.  Mortified might be a better word, devastated that the bum I knew wasn’t small (hello I had to find jeans to house it dontcha know) was actually considered BIG!  All my insecurities poured themselves right into that moment and I stood there feeling defeated, wondering why he wanted to marry me?  I mean, why on earth would he want someone with a butt capable of knocking over an entire china display or taking out a small village with one grand sway of the hips?!

Corey on the other hand stood there bewildered and confused.  Had he said something wrong?  Was I not completely impressed by his romantic abilities?  Why wasn’t I falling all over him with desire?

I’ll tell you why – I was afraid of causing him physical harm that’s why.  I mean, one wrong move and I might give him a black eye with that BIG BUTT of mine.

And then I spoke.  It’s one of the shortest sentences I’ve ever uttered and its simplicity told of the dangerous waters he was in:

“Really? This song?”

Still slightly confused but feeling the pressure & temperature of the room begin to rise he began to speak, in rapid fire.

“Yes this song.  It makes me think of you.  I love you.  This song is one of my favourites and when I used to think about who I wanted to marry it was this girl and now I found her.  And, well, so, umm….you’re pretty?”

That’s not a typo friends – that last part was said as a question.  As though, the questionable complement would maybe, sort of fix the look of hurt and fury on my face.

“So, you think my butt is big?”

“Well, ya.  I mean, you know it’s not BIG, big, but it’s not small.  And that’s a good thing because….”

Honestly I can’t tell you what words came after that because I was focusing on “it’s not small” and wondering how much pain I could inflict with the running shoe sitting on the shelf beside me.

Needless to say, that evening didn’t turn out to be one of our better evenings.  Though we did talk it out, I did a lot of crying, he did a lot of ice cream eating, tea drinking and head nodding (when I’m upset I talk.  A lot.  When Corey is, well, when Corey is breathing he eats ice cream).  

We discussed my insecurities for the first and certainly not the last time.  We discussed his ability to use tact and to think ahead of my reaction, again not for the last time.  We discussed and we discussed and we discussed (because “beating a dead horse” is my strong suit).

Ultimately we came to 2 conclusions: I shouldn’t take everything Corey says literally and when a song reminds Corey of me, he should probably keep that information to himself.  

(ps. Corey knows I shared this story tonight.  It’s something we both laugh about – now)

5 Times Buzzfeed Made Me Snort!

The Original

If you’re following us on Facebook then you’ll probably already know I’ve been spending some time on Buzzfeed.  (And if you’re NOT following us on Facebook, why not?  We have good chats, share silly stuff & love getting to connect with you!)  

It actually takes very little time at all to find things that are entertaining over there I’m learning.  Oh there’s a lot of “articles” (if you can call mindless fodder an article) that are lame, gross or should really come with parental warnings but amidst all that are some real gems.  

There are articles (the real kind) that are thought provoking, others that are really informative & ones that make you flat out LAUGH OUT LOUD (not to be confused with the overused LOL, this is real life dudes.  Real, snort while you read, laugh till you pee funny).

Since it’s Friday and laughter is one of those things you simply can’t have too much of I thought I’d share my most recent “snort worthy” finds.  

Be warned some of these may be completely unfunny to you.  In fact, if sarcasm isn’t your thing, this may not appeal to you at all.  I however, LOVE me some sarcasm.  (The kind that is funny, not the kind that belittles people – that’s just not cool)

Life's too short...

So, here it is.  Check ’em out, laugh and have a great weekend!

Also – I’d love to hear which one YOU liked.  Do you agree with me?  Are these funny or do you think I’m chillin’ all alone out there in left field?  When was the last time YOU had a seriously awesome laugh, in the out loud fashion?

29 Dad’s Who Have Reached Peak Dad

   The dad from #17 is my BFF.  That is exactly how I feel about winter, and this summer – the really cold and the really hot make me angry.  They could both die & leave Fall & Spring to fill in the gaps, they could handle it!

   #28 needs to move to our neighbourhood.  We could all use that kind of free entertainment.

Hey Guys, Here’s a Canadian Reminder Not to Complain About the Heat

    And THIS is why Winter needs to die.  I have never seen #15 but sadly it seems the rest of the world has.  Way to help us look cool Canadian Government!

23 Products For Anyone Who’s Feeling Stressed Out

    I need #8 for our girls, it needs to attach to their faces and come with a lock that only I have the key for.  #11 would make Corey so happy and #19 is probably his deepest secret.

   Zen gardens DO help you de-stress and anyone who tells me that #6 didn’t make them simultaneously think “What the…?”, “Gross” & “HA!” is lying.

21 of the Most Hilariously Honest “No Name” Products

    While I love the honesty of these products, maybe they should spend just a little bit of money on their marketing/packaging departments.  “Nippy Cheese?”

26 Pictured Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Every Time

   Yes.  Yes they will.

Happy Friday Friends!

 

Dirty Little Secrets

Silly Stones

You know what I have?  Secrets.  “Dirty little secrets” that I rarely if ever let anyone see. The things I keep hidden from the outside world, the thoughts I never say (shocker – she does have a filter), the things I try not to let you see and the habits I work to hide.   

Until today.

In an effort to live my life as authentically as possible (which I’ve always tried to do with sincerity & honesty) I’ve decided it’s time to share the things that make me, me.  The quirky, silly, annoying & sometimes even embarrassing parts that make up the whole of me. 

Why?  I guess to encourage others that we’re not alone in our idiosyncrasies.   Social media has made perfection easy to fake and I don’t wanna fake it.  I want to be the true, faulted human God has created me to be, because it’s in acknowledging my failings I can work to be better (or embrace them completely).  

So, deep breath here we go!

DLS #1 – My Kitchen looks like something exploded: when I bake.  No kidding, I do my best to avoid having anyone see what my kitchen looks like when I bake.  Back when Baking Life Healthy was running, I’d keep the front blinds drawn so that customers coming to the door for warm baked goods couldn’t see the catastrophe behind me.

In general it’s a pretty clean place, especially now that we are living in a constant state of Gluten Watch but when it’s time for the magic to happen, all bets are off.  Flour flies, dishes are everywhere and there are always multiple items being constructed & experimented with at the same time.  I mean, if I’m gonna have a mess to clean up anyways, I might as well make it worth the while right?Sweat

DLS #2 – I sweat, uncontrollably: when I workout.  It’s seriously disgusting and there’s not a thing I can do about it.  I’ve got fancy workout gear, I keep the house as cool as possible, I use towels & I drink copious amounts of water.  The only thing I won’t do is reduce the intensity because, dude – if your heart’s not thundering, what’s the point?!

Now I wear deodorant (see DLS#3) but let’s be real that stuff is only meant for under your arms.  I’m pretty sure applying it to my forehead would go against manufacturer’s instructions.  That and I’m guessing nobody’s tested what happens with the aluminum sinking into your brain….(I have no idea if it does, but I wonder)

DLS #3 – If I could afford it I would TOTALLY get Botox: in my armpits! I know, I know weird right?  But not really.  You see I sweat, A LOT and it’s really gross.  I have tried all different antiperspirants/deodorants and while some work better than others, I’ve yet to find one that really does the job.  And I haven’t found ANY that help when I work out (see DLS #2).

It’s not just the sweat either, it’s the smell.  Sweat itself doesn’t smell, but the warm, moist environment is a prime location for bacteria to grow which equates to bacteria stink &  me a nasty, smelly mess.  The other problem is that I really don’t love the idea of putting aluminum on my skin, in my armpits near any breast tissue I may have (HA!), but natural deodorants are completely ineffective.  To date armpit Botox is coming up as a safe alternative to antiperspirants/deodorants.  Since it’s gonna be years before I’ll be able to afford the treatment, I have time to wait and see if it stays that way.  

DLS #4 – Sometimes I go the bathroom not to use it but to: get my children’s attention.  Sadly, this is not a joke.  There have been days when nobody is listening, nothing is getting done and I am getting hoarse from yelling (see DLS #5).  Instead of completely losing my mind or moving out, I just head straight for the nearest toilet.  Within seconds of the “click” from the light switch both my girls are meandering in there.  Then we have a meaningful conversation as I sit on the toilet, lid closed.  It’s stupid that it works, but trust me it works.

(WARNING: Should you begin to employ this method of parenting I strongly suggest you stop hiding in there to eat the chocolate you don’t want to share with them.  IF they find you with it, you’ll never EVER pee alone again.)

DLS #5 – I’m a yeller: and a cryer.  I truly hate this part of me, and it’s something I’m working really, really hard to change.  I hate that my frustration amps up my volume 25 fold in 5.2 seconds.  I hate that post hollering I end up in tears because I didn’t like to holler and I loath that there are times I hear my girls mimic that tone back to me.  

I, like everyone else am a work in progress, and I can truly say it’s getting better.  But, in an effort to be transparent it’s not as better as it could be.  I don’t yell when other people are around (unless they have really, really pushed mama’s buttons) so there’s no reason I need to do when it’s the 3 most precious people in my life.

So there you have it, just a few of the things that I’ve worked so hard to keep hidden way down deep.  I hope my being transparent with you has made you feel better or even laugh a little at my expense.  

What Dirty Little Secret are you hiding from the “real world”?

 

Finding Grace in Small Things – The Siri Edition

Sometimes life gets serious, too serious.  When it does there’s one thing we can count on – the team at Apple & our friend Siri have us covered. photo 1

I absolutely adore Siri’s sarcastic responses and the auto correct disasters, often result in me dissolving into fits of laughter.  The fun we have “playing” with Siri kinda makes me wish I worked for Apple (in all that free time I currently spend sleeping).

Anyways, life has been too serious around here lately & I decided to let Siri help relieve the pressure.  

Here’s to long overdue laughter…

photo 3

photo 2I know this one isn’t funny, but I love it none the less.

photo(5)

photo(6)

And if these aren’t enough, there’s always DYAC – one of my favourite places to laugh ever.

Life is serious & sometimes it has to be but that doesn’t mean that we can’t laugh our way through it!

What’s your favourite Siri/auto correct moment?

The kind of funny you just MUST see!

Silly Stones

 We don’t laugh enough.  Somewhere on the journey from 5 to 30 we let the process of living become a business, a serious business with worries, stresses, and responsibilities.  They become so important that they consume our days, adding weight to our chests (not the good bigger rack weight either) and wrinkles to our brows.

Sure we let out the odd giggle, our kids make us smile and from time to time you might even get in a chuckle but that’s about where it ends.  I mean we’re adults after all – we have an image to uphold.

Then we look at our kids and we see something we’re missing – joy.  They giggle as we tickle their toes, laugh at a movie and let out a full roar when they fart (OK, sometimes I might even snicker at that.  Gas is funny.  It just is).  It’s beautiful and one of the greatest parts of being a child.

I know they don’t carry around in life the things that we do.  They have us to watch over them, to carry their worries after all but still – they also have something else.  Actually, it’s not what they have but what they lack. 

They don’t care what people think of them.  They aren’t worried if it’s appropriate or not to laugh at something, and letting out the odd snort isn’t embarrassing it’s even funnier.  They are wonderful, joy- filled creatures and I envy it!

The last little while I have felt my serious, worried self really taking over.  Health things, emotional moments and anxieties that are for another day, another post can be all consuming.  Before I realize it, I’ve turned into someone I don’t particularly like.  I’m grouchy with Corey, barking orders at my girls and feeling like I’m crumbling under the elephant weighing down on my chest.

Then something wonderful happens – I have a weekend like this one where the girls and I get to have some “Girl time” with my Mom, garage sale-ing, shopping and watching chickens follow B around*.   I get the privilege of just hanging out with my girls and enjoying the cool little people they actually are.

As the time wears on I not only feel myself relaxing but a crack forms in the serious shell I’ve wrapped around myself.  

Then, as the icing on the cake someone, some fantastically awesome person decided to post this video on YouTube and yet another fantastic person chose to share it on Facebook. 

 

It made me laugh, really laugh.  The kind of belly aching, breath stealing, snort inducing, tears streaming down my cheeks kind of laughter.  As I laughed the weight started to lift, and I could breath again.  In fact, I laughed so hard that B, who was not (and is not allowed) watching the video couldn’t help but join in. 

That’s the thing about laughter, it’s not only “the best medicine” it’s also contagious.

I hope tonight you watch the video, I hope it hits you as funny as it did me – it’s funny because it’s true.  I think at one time or another us girls have ALL done the tight jean shimmy.

We all need a good laugh – to keep us young, to keep that joy alive. 

ps. If you have a CLEAN funny video to share pop over to our FACEBOOK post and share the link.  We’d love to see what keeps you laughing.

 *At a farm yesterday B was munching away on a mini pepper.  Not sure what to do with the stem my Mom instructed her to toss it into the chicken coop to give them a treat.  Within seconds of it landing 20+ flocked to get it, making B start to laugh.  Then she moved, and they moved with her.  Left and right, back and forth the chickens followed her, sure she had something more for them.   So funny, so cute!

Justin + Jimmy + Sarcasm = #Awesome!

I love social media.  And then I hate social media.  I love keeping in touch with people who are important parts of my life in convenient ways, whether they’re in real life friends, business colleagues or “blasts from the past” – social media is excellent for keeping us all informed.

I hate that social media opens me up to people who aren’t an integral part of my life, the people who want to be “friends” just because we attended the same high school, or worked for the same company though we never said more than 2 words to each other in that time and wouldn’t say hello if we passed in a grocery store (can you say “ignore request”?).  I dislike all the drama that can happen thanks to the wonder of the “written word”, the lack of physical contact and the loss of vocal inflection can cause chaos.  Not to mention if we’re not careful the who thing can quickly become high school-esque and I do NOT want to go back to that time in life.  Can I get a “Talk to the hand”?

The thing with social media, whether you love it or hate it, is that it’s part of life.  It’s part of society, it’s part of how the world works and for one purpose or another there are times we’re all being forced asked to embrace it.  Companies use it to advertise and inform consumers, schools use it to communicate and friends (myself included) rely on it to keep in touch.  It is the way of the world and if we are choosing to progress, and are wanting to make it work, then at some point we have to learn & embrace it – with boundries.

Text & internet short hand about, LOL’s, IMO, and POS (parent on shoulder apparently.  I know you totally thought what I did the first time) fill messages and # (hashtags) litter every Tweet, status update and instagram photograph.

If you know much about this social media stuff (as I do not) then you’ll know that # hashtags are purposed to connect subjects.  Companies I work for often ask all of us bloggers to use the same hashtag to connect all our posts and their products when we’re promoting or reviewing them on social media platforms.  There are times when those tags hold important purpose and we use them for business.  Other times if you’re sharing let’s say a recipe about “Christmas baking”, using a  #christmasbakingrecipe hashtag collects those recipes in one place for others to find.  See – important.  Right?

Mostly, then there are times people use 83 hashtags because they have no idea what they mean (yes Travis I mean YOU) and it’s annoying.  Or they hashtag random words in a sentence – “I am #having and rotten day.  The dog totally ate #my homework”.  Again leaving some of us (ok me) completely annoyed.

Anyways, this wasn’t meant to be a lesson on social media and hashtags, though I do suggest you take notes but rather a short intro into my new favourite YouTube video.  I mean, we all know Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon are awesome, but this just completely seals the deal.  I dare you not to laugh, in the out loud sort of way at this skit.  It’s sarcastically fantastic!

What kind of Facebooker are you?

I have come to the conclusion that there are a few types of Facebookers (it’s my blog, I can make up words if I want to), who use their statuses for a multitude of things.  There’s the Average Joe, Little Miss Sunshine, the Addict, the Spammer, the Player/Hoe Bag, the MIA and the Perpetual Complainer.

The Average Joe – This is where I think I fit (and feel free to tell me if you think I’m wrong), it’s probably you and most of the people on your friend list.  The Average Joe likes to update their status about once a day, sometimes more sometimes less.  They talk about life, their family, TV/media etc and the weird lady in the grocery store who smacked them on the rear (happened).  The Average Joe is both positive and negative, allowing the odd bad day to affect their updates/comments but generally is happy and pleasant.  They don’t send out copious gaming requests and it is apparent that they still know how to live life beyond the walls of FB.

Little Miss Sunshine – makes you want to gag.  She/he’s happy ALL of the time, about things that are completely unhappy eg. “My kid just peed in my face, but that’s AWESOME because now I have a reason to wash it again with that soap that smells like unicorns and rainbows!”.  You want to love the eternal optimism but sometimes it seriously makes you want to scream (and fling poo at them.  Find something positive about THAT!).

The Addict – You know the addict (maybe, sometimes when I’m bored/lonely/can’t sleep I border on this but it’s quickly extinguished!) they are always online, they update their status 85 times an hour, they comment on everything and when you actually speak to them in person you notice two things: 1. Their fingers are constantly twitching as if typing everything they’re saying and 2. They start every sentence with “Well, when I was on Facebook…”

The Spammer: You know the spammer, they’re the one who has absolutely no life.  They live in a dark basement somewhere surrounded by approximately 400 cats (give or take a dozen), drinking Red Bull and eating Twinkies that were to expire in 2004 (but we all know they never really go bad, thankyouverymuch chemical overload).  They hack your password, annoy your friends and put videos of lady parts on your home page.  We loath these guys, we hope their computer gets a virus and the Twinkies really did go bad…

The Player/Hoe Bag – These are the people who hunt Facebook looking for a booty call (this is not to be mistaken for those who search for “real love”, they’re a whole ‘nother breed), they may be your husband’s ex (yes, she did and he laughed – delete), or a dude you went to school with or the random “friend request” from someone you don’t know at all, who’s photo looks a little like it was scanned out of a magazine.  They are trouble, and should you accept their request you’re going to be finding yourself in a whole bunch of it quickly.

The MIA – This would be Corey.  You know it’s usually the spouse/partner of an Average Joe, who wants to keep up on the world but can’t be bothered to actually check their Facebook.  They either let said spouse check Facebook for them and wait for a weekly report (yes I do) or they ignore it all together and keep asking you “Why is Facebook sending me emails, and what the heck is Farmville?!”  They are harmless and prime targets for the spammer.

The Perpetual Complainer – Of all the different types of Facebookers, these are the ones who frustrate me the most.  They use Facebook on a daily basis, much like the Average Joe but nothing, absolutely nothing they say is positive.  Their glass is not only half empty, it has spit in it and possibly a bug, but they can’t be sure because there is a dark cloud shadowing their vision.  Even if someone comments on a downer status with a positive they find a negative response and basically they appear as though they are always wallowing in self-pity.  I find this type of Facebooker so annoying because life can’t always be bad, it really can’t. (I totally did a status about this earlier this week, asking people to share the good and it was so refreshing to hear the “happy” in people’s day)  We all have bad days and you’re totally entitled to complain about it from time to time, but if you truly can’t find the silver lining in there at all my heart breaks for you.  There is always good to see (we do our best every day to teach our girls to find the good in whatever they do) sometimes you just need to look a little deeper.  And complainers be warned, I will only placate you for so long and then one day you’re going to be complaining that the sunshine is just too perfect to be enjoyed and you’re going to get a great big “SUCK IT UP” comment from me.

So, What kind of Facebooker are you?

The Push and Shove at Costco

So, I’m in Costco tonight, alone* and it’s time to get into the line. It’s Thursday night, and it’s not that insane(there was only one Sample Lady – who the heck would want to be there. Sunday’s the day to rock the Costco tastiness, a bazillion ladies, in hairnets and red shirts say “Would you like to try?” “Um, heck ya! I mean, oh yes please, I’d hate to make you feel bad by not trying one”). I’ve managed to find everything on my list (score!) and I’m ready to go home.

I head into a line that’s moderately small (I said it wasn’t insane, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t busy), and wait.  As I’m waiting a family, of a Mom, a Dad and a son (I assume) who’s about 30ish get in behind me.  Normally it would have meant nothing to me at all, I’d have barely noticed being that I’m all up in my head with lists of things to get done, but tonight was different.  You see, this particular family had been getting in my way all evening.  Every corner I turned there they were, bulldozing their way through the aisles and past people.  I even watched them cut off a Mom with a small child in tow and almost ran the poor kid over.   It had started to annoy me completely slightly and I was ready to be rid of them. 

Which made it just “perfect” when they got in line.  Anyways, I figured “No biggie, just ignore them.  It’s playground 101…”  And I did a good job, until this happens…

I’m unloading my cart, you know how the lines are at the Costco, one side of the till has the carts and the clerk and the other has the customers.  I’m unloading my cart, there are about 4 carts in front of mine plus the dude ringin’ stuff through and I’m going as fast as I can when the conver belt is jam packed full of the stuff from the lady ahead of me, who’s purchases are large in both number and size.

As I’m holding onto the side of my cart and pulling things out, the Dad decideds to get things moving, by reaching out, putting is big ol’ mitt on my cart handle and shoves it forward.  WHILE I’M STILL ATTACHED!  Like I’m holding onto the side, minding my own business, the next thing I know I’m bunny hopping forward, like I car with the e-brake stuck on.   (It was strangley reminicent of the Crazy Wrapping Paper lady from my youth. ) Anyways, I hang on a little tighter, shoot him my very best “Back off or loose a testicle” face and keep unloading.  I don’t have a clue what language they were speaking but it was apparent by the tone that he was annoyed that I wasn’t moving any faster, and the fact that the “push and shove” hadn’t worked.

The thing is, if there’s one thing you should know about me, its that I don’t do ANYTHING I don’t want to.  I am fully capable of getting the lead out, and I do most times, out of both necessity and impatience, however, should I feel pushed (or tailgated), rushed or annoyed, I have this uncanny ability to remove my inner hussle and replace it with my inner sloth.  It’s just how this attitude rolls, and it was exactly what happened tonight.

I did manage to survive the visit without being completely assulted, I held my tongue and thanks to an empathetic look from the other lady working the till, I was able to cool down enough to leave the man with whatever genitalia he arrived with, but it was tough.  I mean, seriously – who pushes a limping, sleep haggared woman, in a small line at Costco of all places?  I know – him!

The thing that got me is what did he think it was going to prove?  I mean, seriously there wasn’t anywhere for me to go, my cart certainly wasn’t in the way, I still had groceries in it and oh, by the way I was still holding on to it!  

How would you have handle that guy tonight?  Have you ever had a run in with an inconsiderate fellow shopper?

*Normally shopping alone is a treat, no kids, no husband, nobody to slow me down or put something into the cart that is completely unneccesary and unneeded.  However, tonight I didn’t feel like going.  I managed to injur my hip today, walking of all things and would have rather spent the evening in the tub, or at the very least with a partner to fight my battles for me.  But there was stuff I needed for AJ’s party on Saturday and it had to get done, so off I went.*

The End of a Relationship

Dear Spammers,

Hi!  It’s me again, I know you missed me, I can tell by the comments you’ve chosen to leave over the past few days, in spite of the PlugIn I have installed to keep you away – apparently it’s working as well as kitty litter did to deter the mice from my last home (in case you’re slow, and I get the feeling you may be, it didn’t work – AT ALL).

Since I know that you probably leave dozens of “uplifting” and “encouraging” messages across the web each day, I’m sure you forget to whom you’ve said what.  Let me refresh your memory:

“Thanks for some quality points there. I am kind of new to online , so I printed this off to put in my file, any better way to go about keeping track of it then printing?” – Federal Student Loan Apparently in an effort to break free from the baby naming trend, your parents chose to name you after the first piece of mail they received on the day of your birth.  Just be glad it wasn’t the pamphlet “100 ways to cure Chlamydia”

“Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, I bookmarked it.” – Computer Support  It appears you have the same email address as FSL up there, it must suck to have an identity crisis too.

Everyone else, I’m very sad to admit your comments have been deleted.  I unfortunately get a headache from reading too much crap – I hear it kills brain cells, sort of like watching Family Guy, but you probably already know that.

Since it’s late and I have about 100 other things I’d rather be doing instead of talking to you, including, but not limited to, cleaning the toilet with a used Q-Tip, I’m going to have to sign off.

Hope this email finds you well and your modem on fire.  And while I wish you nothing but rainbows and leprechaun, I’m going to have to inform you that our “friendship” is over.  Your job is too taxing on our relationship and I can’t take any more.

Good luck in the future, come back sometime when you’re less of a spammer and more of a person and hey, I hear McDonald’s is always hiring.

All the best, with sarcasm and disdain.

Ashley

Sometimes, I laugh till I almost pee…

The other day while checking Facebook, I came across a link that Angella had shared.  I had a few minutes, so I thought I’d check it out.  I’m glad I did.  After about 2 minutes of reading what was on the link I was laughing until tears poured down my face. 

In case you were wondering, that is the sign that something has truly hit my funny bone (or I’m excessively tired and about to meltdown), if there are tears, and gasps for air you know I’m really enjoying something.  It’s not exactly pretty but I can’t help it.

The link was to a website titled “Damn You Auto Correct”  If you have a cellphone with the auto type or auto correct function you can already begin to imagine why this is so hilarious!  In regular life, we all have speech blunders, the whole “speaking before you think” thing comes into play, but when it’s digital, behind a computer screen or via a text message we’re supposed to be able to sensor ourselves, spell check and re-read.  Which is all fine and good until you’re electronic device decides to take it upon itself to “fix” your “mistake”.  It’s all downhill from there.

You should seriously click the link, go over and have a read and a good laugh.  It’ll make you’re day I promise.  And just in case my ringing endorsement wasn’t enough, here is a sample of why I was laughing until I almost peed (thank you birth of two babies for that)…

* Please excuse the language.  It may be slightly more foul than I’d use, but I didn’t say it they did.  I just laughed*

The Asshole Discount

Guy #1 – Or you’re responsible for buying them.  I sent you think link to use for the pricing.

Guy #2 – Is that website the asshole discount one? Lol. Passholder…stupid auto correct.

Condom Outage

Mark – The power is out in my condoms and all the old rich people are wondering around like zombies.  I was just glad all the good games were over.  Got my flashlight.

You’re welcome for that.

Anyways, go check it out.  I could spend an hour typing out my favs but instead it’s upto you.  Go over and take a read and then come back and tell me you’re favourite one!  Or better yet, if you’ve had a blunder why not share it!